WHY OH WHY

You know how on websites there's always a page of FAQ's (frequently asked questions)? Well if I were to have a metaphorical FAQ page, the top question would be 'why are you having that operation?' and you would expect a simple answer. Unfortunately though guys, you're not going to get a simple answer, because I'm not sure it's all that simple.

The bottom line is, I don't actually need to have my jaw broken. My jaw has never caused me any problems, and although there are chances it would in the future if this wasn't being done, there's also no saying that I would have any problems at all. As there is no medical obligation to have it done, it would appear that this is a big thing to be going through for nothing. Then again, it's never been a nothing. It's always been something that's niggled at me.

We are all unique, different, individual individuals who (unless you have a twin or have been secretly cloned in your sleep) don't look like anyone else on this planet, thanks to genetics. I'm a firm believer in embracing who you are and accepting the things that make you different from anyone else, in terms of how you physically look and how you are as a human being. When discussing the reasons behind me going through with this, which I'll admit now (although you've probably already guessed) are purely cosmetic, someone recently said to me 'but it's just your thing' (my 'thing' being the fact that my jaw has grown unevenly so that my smile is not straight and nothing quite lines up in the centre of my face as it does in most other people) but, what if I don't want it to be my 'thing'? I don't, I really don't.
As an 18 year old girl I'm bothered about how I look, which is not unusual, for anyone. Now I'm all for the whole 'inner beauty is more important' approach, because it is. There are billions of beautiful people in this world, but there are also many beautiful souls. I love observing the little things that make someone who they are and I love them for those things. I hope that people think the same of me, but most of us do care a little bit about our physical appearance as well as how we present our characters. There's always going to be something wrong with how we look at some time or another, in our own minds. And our minds matter. What we think of ourselves is more important than what others think of us, whether that be good or bad. Despite my facial bone structure not affecting anyone else's lives or making them think less of me (I hope!), when I see a photo of myself, I find it hard to accept what I'm faced with. And though it's not important in the wide scheme of things, not important to anyone else but me, I have the selfish chance to do something about it and, as I would prefer to have a nice, straight smile (which unfortunately was not able to be created using a brace alone), I feel very lucky to be able to, and to have, grabbed that chance with both hands, lots of apprehension, and a pinch of guilt.

I don't often do things for myself, I need to become better at that I think. I often find myself putting others before myself which I don't think is always a bad thing. But just this once, I'm going to make myself feel better about who I am, what I look like and gain a little confidence.
This is tricky to write because it's not something I've ever had to, or been able to put into words before, purely because I guess that feelings are feelings and (most of the time) I know what I feel without forming sentences. It's also tough because if this was a decision that one of my friends had made, I would of course be telling them that they are beautiful already, not just to be kind, but because they really are. So I feel somewhat of a hypocrite. Then again, I'd also want to be encouraging them to do what is going to make them happy in the long run. Though I don't exactly know how different I'm going to look post-operation, I'm fairly sure I'll be more comfortable with my new smile than the one I'm currently stuck with.
So yes, it's a lot be going through to 'look better' (and I must reiterate, I can't help but think that this is a shallow reason) but they say that long term gain comes from short term pain. Short-term for me will be around 4 weeks, and then maybe several months before the bruising disappears. Four weeks of no proper food, not a lot of talking or laughing, and of waking up in the night in excruciating pain (I'm assuming this will happen again as it did after wisdom teeth removal six months ago) will seem like four years I would imagine, but it'll be over soon and I am almost certain that, once it's all done and dusted, I will feel more 'me' than ever before.

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