BABY STEPS FORWARD

First thing's first...
I'M HOME!!!!

Wow, it feels good to say that. The journey back was every bit as awful as I expected, due to a two hour delay followed by two attempts at landing in naturally foggy Guernsey. At Southampton airport, mum fetched some ice from the cafe bar and made me some temporary ice packs. I lay across four seats in the departure lounge clutching them to my balloon face. I got some looks. It was fun.
When the plane finally (and only just about) touched down on this lovely rock, I almost cried with happiness. Home beats hospital any day.

As for today, I feel like it's been a milestone day in some ways. In others, no progress has been made. Eating is difficult because of a new sensation and pain I am experiencing. When I go to swallow, my whole jaw/face/neck tightens up so much that it feels constricted, almost as if I'm being strangled. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's the best way I can describe it. I then get a sharp stabbing pain in the left side of my lower jaw. Eating has been a real struggle but is so necessary, particularly for me. Most other people would be grateful for the weight loss, I imagine. Not me though. With the lack of food -but constant hunger- I am feeling weak and fragile. I tried a high calorie protein drink today, which was maybe the worst thing I've ever had to consume.
Part of the tightness I have been getting when I eat could be due to getting scared/anxious of the sensation. I went to A&E here in Guernsey this morning and was checked out by two people- one who used to perform this particular operation on a regular basis and another who is a highly valued ENT specialist. They both reassured me that there was nothing medically to worry about and that in order to eat, I must simply deal with the discomfort and get on with it anyway. I've not managed too badly.

So getting food in my little body has been a problem but I've noticed some small improvements in other areas. For example, I found a video of my friend today that she made a year ago and it made me laugh. I hadn't laughed before that. I'm finding I have a greater ability of facial movement today, too. I can manage a tiny, mouth-closed smile and I'm able to talk slightly better. I'm also less wobbly when I walk (who would have thought a jaw operation would affect ones ability to use ones legs?! Apparently it does).

I've spent the day sleeping, watching films and 'friends' and watching my dearly loved favourite YouTube vloggers. It's been a bit rubbish, but I wasn't expecting paradise. Tomorrow I will hopefully be seeing my lovely friend Laurel who, thanks to her Dubai residency, I haven't seen since August. She's getting her IB results tomorrow so I wish her all the luck in the world for that, though I have every faith that she will have got into Exeter university like she hopes. She's a clever cookie, that one.
I will be seeing two of my best friends tomorrow too who are kindly going to come and pay me a visit. I won't be the best company but it'll be so good to see their beautiful faces again.

All in all, it could be worse. Every new day is a step closer to recovery, even if baby steps are all I take.

Namaste, sweet dreams x

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