RESISTING THE PRESENT




For the past week, I've been struggling. Struggling to sit and be present, move through my life one day at a time, and acknowledge what is going on right now.

You see, I have a very very busy month ahead of me, full of truly exciting things! I'm already in the Christmas spirit (admittedly early for me; I tend to refuse to listen to Christmas music until 1st December but then Kylie's Christmas album came out and that all went to pot).
I am SO looking forward to Christmas Day this year. I know it's going to be a special one in our new house in Devon with many of our dearest family members celebrating with us. It'll be my niece Olivia's first Christmas - she'll be just 11 weeks old - and the dressing-her-up-in-cute-Christmas-outfits possibilities are endless! I can't express how much I'm desperate for Christmas Day playing games, giving gifts, eating turkey, blasting Kylie's Christmas album (nobody else gets a say in this one) and just spending quality time with the people I love.

The lead up to Christmas too is filled with exciting things - a trip to Leeds this weekend to see a dear friend who I haven't seen for 4 years, a quick trip home to Guernsey to pick up my car and bring it over to England so I can FINALLY drive myself to Sainsbury's to buy dairy and gluten free chocolate cakes, a weekend at the new house for my step-dad's birthday, seeing Kylie at the Royal Albert Hall with Shannon, and doing lots of planning and present wrapping and card writing and decoration making with my sister for the week that I'm home in mid-December.

I'm actually finding it difficult to fall asleep each night because I'm so excited about everything, almost to the point where all day every day, I'm feeling frustrated that it can't come soon enough.

I don't like that feeling.

I'm noticing how much I am struggling to focus on the day ahead, to be happy about being in this day. Because there's no sign of my family, or tinsel. When I try to just sit and be, I find I'm met with a huge amount of resistance.
Being excited is a wonderful feeling, don't get me wrong. It's lovely to have a "goal" to work towards; a reason to get out of bed each day.
But I can't help but feel that my reason to get out of bed each day should be to live that day, to make the most of the 25 minute walk to uni, and interaction with my coursemates, to enjoy cooking my dinner. 

To sit and feel content in this very moment.

I guarantee that I'm not the only one feeling this way at the moment - at least, I hope I'm not! I think it's a 'oh gosh, it's nearly Christmas' thing.
But maybe we should try to be okay with today, to pay attention to what we're saying and doing in this very moment, and try to steer our minds from drifting to tomorrow, next week, next month. Yesterday doesn't matter anymore - it's gone. Next week doesn't matter - it's not here yet. But now... Now is all we've got, so now should make us feel alive, joyful, excited. 

Sitting in the present is one of the most challenging things for a human to do, but let's just close our eyes

and breathe

and be.

x

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