The Pre-Graduation Panic is Real, Guys

In approximately 5 months time I will be leaving uni. Wow, that's actually made my heart race even typing that! And like most other graduates (I hope), I have no. idea. what. I. want. to. do. with. my. life.

Actually that's not entirely true. I know that I want to:

- do something creative, digital and probably related to video/photography/web because I LOVE IT.
- do something that makes a difference to individuals' lives - not to companies, per se, but to individual real human people
- make people happy and provide them with something special, memorable and emotive
- make stuff. WOW, how specific Steph.

The funny thing is that all of these criteria are fulfilled by the (part-time, self-employed) jobs that I do now. Wedding/family videography and video production/web management for Beinspired Yoga.

Bam, there we go. I'm already doing what I love - aren't I?

Yes, I am.

But my parents expect me to get a job working for someone else in the media sector. To "get more experience", "do things on a commercial level" and "get pound notes in my pocket".

So why is it that my heart and soul and instinct and intuition and stress-induced-tears-just-from-thinking-about-this are telling me that all I really want to do is do my own thing, to freelance, to work in my own individual way with my ever-developing style and give my all to the creative, unique services that I can offer even if I will only be 21 years old? Why do I feel the need to just let go and see what happens, trust the process, know things will work out and I'll find my calling but am too fearful that I'll be shot down for this?

I don't have my head in the clouds. I am realistic and I know that I need experience, a certain level of professionalism, to have names of companies on my CV and money to pay the bills. I know I'm young. I know my parents just want the best for me. I get it, and I appreciate it. And I do like routine, I love working, I like working with people. But there's nothing about 'leaving uni and getting a job at a company doing work for other companies that I'm being told I must do' that makes my soul light up.

I want to be a part of someone's wedding day, capturing smiles and laughter and hugs and absorb the wedding-day bliss that fills the air. I want to photograph newborn babies with their tiny everythings sleeping amongst flowers and blankets. I want to film kids pulling decorations off Christmas trees and edit them into videos for parents to send out as digital Christmas cards. I want to spread the word about yoga and love and nature and encourage people to be a little kinder to themselves by making yoga videos, or self love videos, or anything that will make life a little easier for us humans.

I want to film and photograph real people, tell real stories, evoke real emotions. I want to do things for people that they wouldn't think of doing for themselves. Freeze memories and feelings and baby laughter in time.

Photo credit: Andy Teo @ Photocillin Photography

I'm stuck though, in a rut of expectations and realistic choices and being "too young and inexperienced to be self-employed". I'm stuck in not being able to find jobs working for/with other people that fulfil the criteria I listed above - criteria that is not 'being picky' but is being the best that I can be and putting everything into my work because I love it that much.

I've got five months. Five months to find a job. Five months to get something in the pipeline. Five months to stop getting upset every someone asks me "so what are you going to do when you leave uni?" But I've got longer if I choose to let go of expectation and pressure.

Where to find the balance?

Would appreciate any advice/encouragement/suggestions from freelancers/media workers/kind humans before I really lose it! X