Self-employed at 22

I put my age in the title of this blog post because it was one of the biggest factors influencing why I didn’t work for myself sooner. I was always under the impression (from family, society as a whole) that because I was say, less than 25, that I couldn’t work for myself. I was too young, too inexperienced, had to know what it was like to work for someone else first, learn from an employed job. I was a uni graduate, and I’d never had a “proper job”. How would I be able to run my own business?

To be honest, they (whoever “they” are) had a point. Well, to a certain extent, gut feelings are always the winner though!

When I left uni, after a summer break (aside from filming and editing six weddings), I started working for a company here in Guernsey. It was right for me at the time - I felt it then and I still believe that to be true now. Deep down I knew that what I really wanted, what would suit me the most, was to work for myself (see this blog post I wrote back in 2016!). But I also knew that it would be foolish to not confirm this by experiencing it, and I knew that I didn’t yet know what work I wanted to do. So sure, working for myself would be something I would probably do in the future, but right now (and by now, I’m talking March 2017) getting a job working for someone else was the first step I felt I had to take towards that.

I started a job as a web/graphic designer in September last year. I enjoyed the work, very much. And I learnt a lot from it, in terms of communication skills, web development/coding, project management, the list goes on. It was a good place to work, I had some fun projects, and my bosses were very accommodating to me. On the days I was feeling most creative, I would get completely lost in designing websites and posters and the days would pass quickly. On the days I was feeling confident and chatty, I enjoyed communicating with our clients. On the days I was feeling organised, I would happily do some admin work. The problem was - and this became apparent very quickly - I am one of those people…

whose strengths vary from day to day
who is incredibly in tune with, and influenced on all levels by, my menstrual cycle (creative during menstruation/pre-ovulation, organised, talkative and methodical during ovulation and lacking in energy during pre-menstruation)
who is independent and likes to decide what I am going to do each day
who needs a regular change in environment
who needs to move around
who needs fresh air
who needs to feel like I'm really making a difference and personally helping people

… to thrive.

And in an office environment with barely any natural light, working for mostly big clients who needed a website done and needed it done now, 9-5 (with a rushed 1 hour lunch break), sat at a desk in front of a computer screen with nowhere to move to and where I was required to be creative *every* day and simultaneously perform admin/numbers tasks (more than you’d think!) *every* day, I wasn’t thriving. I struggled. I became a bit… bored, stagnant, frustrated.

I found it hard to be creative on days when I lacked any inspiration and creativity and could only focus on organising my files or calculating project hours or doing training videos, but absolutely had to find the creativity from somewhere because that design needed doing today. And I found it hard to be required to do admin work on the days where I was buzzing with ideas and itching to bring them to life. I didn’t like the repetition of my day - it was too structured - getting up at the same time, same quick breakfast, same drive to work, sat in the same spot for 3.5 hours in the morning, same drive home for a rushed lunch and back to work again (watching the clock like a hawk to make sure I wasn’t late back), same spot at the same desk in the afternoon and same drive home again at 5.

I’m aware that I might sound like I’m the world’s biggest complainer, and this is a very “first world problem” to have. I struggle with finding the balance when writing about things like this, the balance between being honest and conscious and true to myself - and speaking that truth - and sounding like I’m an over-privileged ungrateful complainer. Please know that I only intend the former! The thing is, I knew this working life didn’t suit me, and it only took a couple of months for this to be confirmed by the routine I’d got into and how it made me feel. I was stuck in a rut and it wasn’t good for me.

I’m a very awake person (except right now, it’s gone 10pm and I’m SO ready for bed, but you know what I mean), I’m incredibly conscious of how I feel at all times and making sure that it’s the best I can feel, which I believe has stemmed from living with depression back in 2013/14 and wanting to never feel that way again. Life is too short to do something that doesn't make you want to get out of bed in the morning, too short to put yourself in a box with no room for growth and stay there! Yoga, journaling and my ever-growing spirituality have been the biggest influencers though. I try not to do too much thinking, and instead do a lot of feeling. What have I done today and how does it make me feel? How do I feel when I’m with this person or that person? Always conscious, always open, always listening to my intuition and my soul stuff, and adjusting accordingly (I believe we should all be like this, but it’s a choice and a process!). So it’s not really a surprise that although I was open to the idea of employment and the valuable skills I may get from it (and definitely did get from it), that I quickly realised it just wasn’t for me.